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3 House Drops Game 1 To Puckheads 7-3
 June 4, 2007 Hauppauge, NY-  The heavily favored 3 House Wisemen, dropped Game 1 of the best of three series with the  #4 seed Puckheads prevailing 7-3 in front of a full house.  The Billy Seeger Conference Finals now shifts to the Puckheads home ice (The North Rink of the Rinx) for Game 2 on Wednesday.  Facing a must win to force a Game 3, 3 House doesn't feel much pressure. “If we played our best and lost it would be one thing...But we flat out sucked today, and we’ve won 10 in a row before, how hard can it be to win 2...really?...” said rookie star Sal Gigante. When asked about the extensive taunting done by the Puckheads,  "Clearly the way they were celebrating and taunting all game, they are far superior to us and should have no problem putting us away on Wednesday", said veteran Jimmy "CanAm" Cullen. Star Goalie Bryan Stoothoff even stated to the media that “These guys are retarted. They act like they win the Championship every time they score...Do they not know we are 3 House?”
 
NOTES+QUOTES: 3 House were without 4 players for Game 1.  Forwards Artie Martrano (TB) and Chris "Mad Dog" Russo (sun poisoning) were missing from the 3 House attack and defensemen Tom Groneman (general body soreness) and Jimmy Clahane (allergies) were missing from the back end.  All four expect to return to the lineup for Game 2..........Henry Muller dropped the puck for the opening faceoff during the pregame festivities.  Muller was honored for 52 years of service in the CHL (Coyle Hockey League)......Making his referee debut was Artie Lange from the Howard Stern Show.  Lange openly admitted he didn't know much about hockey until today.....Forward Paul Rocchio missed pre game warmups and it is rumored that his upper body injury is in fact a giant lump growing out of his midsection.  Rocchio was unavailable for comment.

3rd Precinct Rests Regulars, Wins 7-2
May 14, 2007 HAUPPAUGE, NY- Led by a goal scoring rampage by Mark Gurleski, shot blocking by Tom "Bob Probert" Groneman, and solid two-way hockey by Paul "Lumpy" Rocchio, the 3rd Pct. prevailed in stunning fashion today over a deep Disco Billys squad, 7-2.  More on the game tomorrow as this reporter has to moonlight as an adult babysitter tonight, therefore unable to finish this column as of right now.

Forward Chris "Mad Dog" Russo Reluctantly Rejoins 3rd Precinct
SMITHTOWN, NY MAY 9, 2007 3rd Precinct GM Tom Wisely thought he pulled off the steal of the trading deadline, when he unloaded pending Unrestricted Free Agent Chris "Mad Dog" Russo to Disco Billy's for a 32nd round draft pick in the 2021 draft.  Unfortunately for the 3rd precinct the trade was ruled invalid by league commissioner John Coyle, due to the fact that Russo failed his physical with Disco Billy's, weighing in at 262 pounds, 12 pounds over the weight limit set by the league.  Russo reluctantly returned to the lineup on Wednesday, registering a goal in the game.  Russo appealed the league's ruling stating that he was improperly weighed, because he had his bluetooth in his ear at the time he was weighed.

Referee/Celebrity Impersonator Joe Gomes a No-Show For Monday's Game The game between The Puckheads and the 3rd Precinct was refereeless as Joe Gomes double booked his Monday morning schedule.  He appeared on the Today show as 80's acting legend Tom Sellick, instead of honoring his referee duties.  League commissioner John Coyle was furious, suspending Gomes 1 game and ordering him to shave off his well groomed mustache.

3rd Precinct Not Friends Of Mulder, Win 9-1 May 09, 2007 HAUPPAUGE, NY- As the 3rd Precinct Hockey Club arrived at 8:56 AM for the 8:45 AM game vs. their hated rival, Friends Of Mulder, team captain Tom Wisely didn't sense the urgency he told his team to come with for this mornings game.  "Bro, I showed up at the rink, and saw guys not focused on the game, instead they were talking about how cool it is to wear Beatles shirts out in public.  I wasn't happy, to say the least bro."  Wisely was right, the 3rd Precinct fell behind 3 minutes into the game as a screen shot snuck past goaltender Bryan Stoothoff to give Friends Of Mulder a 1-0 advantage.  Cleary upset, Wisely took a timeout, and tore into his team, explaining  that he cut his plans short of sleeping until 6 PM tonight, to come down, play hard and win.  Cleary getting the message, the 3rd Precinct came out and responded with 9  unanswered goals.  Among the goal scorers were Artie Martrano, Mark Gurleski, Chris "Mad Dog" Russo, Mike "Mike Gartner" Gartner, and Sal Gigante. Demoralizing a team 9-1 going into the 3rd period, normally leads to one thing, and one thing only, fisticuffs.  Sure enough Friends Of Mulder came out swinging, with the shenanigans finally reaching a climax when 3rd Precinct rookie sensation Mark Gurleski was drilled behind the 3rd pct. net.  This sparked a melee that included several big time fights including 3rd pct. stalwart Tom Groneman taking on 7'4 enforcer  John Sinning, Mark Gurleski taking on Son of Sinning, and heavyweight Mike Rausch taking on the rest of the players on the ice for the 3rd precinct.  Referee Darren Maresca had seen enough and phoned league commish John Coyle, who was vacationing in Delaware.  Once told of the melee, Lord Coyle gave the O.K. to call the game.  The 9-1 domination by the 3rd Precinct improves their record to 12-1 headed into the All-Star break.  With 4 games left, the 3rd Precinct is battling it out with Disco  Billy's for the Henry Muller Trophy, given to the team with the most points at the end of the season.  Stay tuned right here, as the rest of the regular season schedule has yet to be announced.

NOTES+QUOTES:  Quote of the game goes to Mark Gurleski after taking a punch to the head from greybeard Mike Rausch during the 3rd period melee, "Go play in an over  50 (years old) league".........Forward Steve Zembrecki was a healthy scratch today, after the water supplied by him last game was deemed "room temperature" when Captain Tom Wisely cleared ordered the water to be "slightly chilled".....The 3rd precinct welcomed back NHL Hall Of Famer Mike Gartner into the lineup after a 2 year  contract holdout.  Terms of the Deal were not disclosed although it is rumored that Gartner will receive all the heroes he can eat at Hero Time in Central Islip......Forward Eddie Swenson again slept through the game making this his 3rd in a row.

3rd Precinct Defeats 2nd Precinct, Announces Major Trade April 30, 2007 HAUPPAUGE, NY- The unparalleled success of the 3rd Precinct hockey club this season has struck fear in the hearts of their opponents all season long.  Today, it finally reached a climax.  Fearing for their dignity and self respect, the struggling 2nd Precinct hockey club announced that they would not be showing up for today's match,  therefore forfeiting the game 1-0.  "Anytime you play against the 3rd Precinct, you have to bring your 'A' game just to stay within a 4 goal margin of this talent loaded team.", said 2nd Pct. head coach John Duffy.  "We felt that rather then running the risk of losing 30-0, we would take the forfeit therefore only losing 1-0, which officially is the slimmest margin of victory for the 3rd Precinct this season.", Duffy said.  In leiu of the game, 3rd Pct. Captain Tom Wisely ordered the team to the rink for a grueling practice and a closed door meeting with the team afterwards to discuss the blockbuster trade that was announced to the media earlier this morning (see below).   The 3rd Precinct's next game is next Monday, May 7 vs. The Puckheads at The Rinx.  Monday's game is Paul Rocchio replica Fanny Pack night.  Don't miss out!

NOTES+QUOTES: Brian Keegan was recalled from the minors and looked sharp in practice.  He will add much needed muscle down the stretch......Jimmy "CanAm" Cullen returned to the team after a two month absence (personal reasons), and will provide speed and extremely good impressions of Paul Rocchio to the team....Captain Tom Wisely signed a 5 year contract extension paying him 36 dollars and a new A-Ha T-Shirt over the course of the contract....Steve Zembrecki was named Head Of Water Management  today.  His responsibilities include filling all waterbottles with top grade water and making sure the showers are ready immediately after the game.

3 House Destroys Puckheads, Win 11-1 April 23, 2007 HAUPPAUGE, NY- On Ed Swenson bobblehead night, fans were treated to more than just a keepsake figurine of their favorite Viking as the 3rd. Precinct hockey squad skate circles around the Puckheads and prevailed with an 11-1 victory.  Scoring came often and early, with goals from Artie Martrano, Pat Broderick, Mark Gorleski, Sal Gigante, and Chris "Straka" Russo.  Goaltender Bryan Stoothoff had 26 saves in an effort that would make the late Mike Richter turn over in his grave.  With the win, the 3rd pct. improved it's record to 8-1 on the season and are 6 points behind Disco Billy's in the chase for the Henry Muller Trophy, awarded to the team with the highest point total  at the end of the regular season.  A limited number of tickets have just been released for the game on Friday, April 27 vs. FRI.  Come catch the 3rd pct. take on hockey's worst, in their last home game before the All-Star break.

NOTES+QUOTES:  What is quickly becoming as legendary of a story as Curt Shilling's "Bloody Sock" in the 2004 World Series, Team Captain Tom Wisely has been playing with "The Disgusting Jersey".  A few weeks ago, Wisely, being the leader  that he is, generously kept the door open to the bathroom from the locker room with his team issued jersey.  The jersey then became stuck under the door and took the strength of  4 men to get it out from under the door.  For Monday's game, the capacity crowd of 3, were stunned to see Wisely wear the jersey out onto the ice for the first time since the incident.  The jersey, cleary in no condition to be worn, was so offensive  that league commisioner John Coyle ordered Wisely to change jerseys, due to the horrific odor of urine.  Wisely refused, and went onto to lead his team to the victory.   After the game, Commisioner Coyle immediately fined Wisely 100 dollars worth of gift cards to The Denim Hut, where it was rumored that Coyle buys his denim jackets from.  Neither Coyle or Wisely were available for comment at the time of this writing

 

 

 

 

Veteran Blueliner Tom Groneman took a cheap shot but still shows the pearly whites.

YES, THAT IS A URINE STAIN!